The future(s) I’ve seen for myself

Director Commentary

Over the years the way I have imagined my future has shifted several times. Drastically.

But before I begin I want you to know that I’m not trying to be a life coach or anything like that. I’m sharing my views, my experiences and my stories for anybody who is interested. And if they end up being useful to you then I’m very glad to have been of assistance. This is merely a window into my life.

When I was younger, perhaps in elementary school, I envisioned myself marrying a successful man. He had to be attractive and wealthy so that we would never fight about money. He would give me anything I want and be true to me. We’d have a son and twin girls. Perhaps a fourth child, as well. A boy.

In high school, my views didn’t change too much. I still wanted an attractive and wealthy husband. I envisioned myself married to a doctor. We’d have children. Hopefully twins. I’d work too but he would be the bread and butter. I’d be his queen.

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In first year university my life became dull. I hated my job and school hit me like a ton of bricks. I adored my program but six courses per semester on top of a part-time job and an internship was too much. I became depressed. Or at least I think I did. I never went to get it checked out because I knew I’d be okay. But I hated my life. It was at that point that I became utterly fascinated with Nirvana and more specifically, Kurt Cobain. He became my icon because everything he said resonated with me deeply. Kurt died at twenty-seven and I realized I wanted to die then too. I thought the world was a horrible place. I couldn’t imagine why people had kids… there was nothing here for them. I hated people because the customers at my job treated me like shit. I was stressed out and cried all the time. It was as if there was always a vice around my heart, squeezing it. In that year, I decided I wanted to die young. I never wanted children, it was cruel to bring them into the world and I didn’t care to marry anyone. I’d settle for a boyfriend who was as dark and screwed up as I was. Possibly a police officer.

Now, I am in third year. I will be twenty-one in a handful of hours actually. I don’t want to die young anymore. I’ve quit that toxic job and while I’m still working a retail, part-time, I’m far happier. My course load is manageable and no unpaid internships are eating up my time. But I see my future far differently now. And perhaps it will change in a year or two but for now this is what I see.

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I don’t see a man in my future anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in love and should a man enter my life I won’t resist. But I just don’t think I need a man in order to fulfill my goals and be happy.

I want to make my own money. As a lawyer, or a writer, or anything else I’m interested in. But I want to make a generous salary. I want to be comfortable and I want to be confident knowing I’m the one feeding myself everyday and paying my bills every month.

I want to adopt a child. Probably a boy. I still believe the world is a shitty place but we need to make the best of it. I don’t want to bring more life on this earth. I want to save life.

I see myself with my son. I won’t be alone. We’ll have each other. I’ll raise him and love him and dress him in all these adorable outfits. He and I will be happy and comfortable and make our own little family. That’s all I really need.

And should a man want to come into my life, then alright. But I don’t need one to be happy or to have a future.

Ironically, I saw the movie How To Be Single tonight. I liked the way it ended because it was realistic. It’s strange how when people think of their future they see marriage and children and settling down. Why is that the answer to everything?

To my reader out there who doesn’t want to conform to that lifestyle then I am with you. You aren’t alone. It’s okay not to want to get married and have children. It’s also okay to want to get married and have children. Whatever you see for yourself just know your mind can change a thousand times and that it’s okay. Mine has and I’m sure it will change again.

All I know now is that I can do things for me. I can be independent and successful. I can make a living for myself. I can adopt a child and raise him on my own. I can be happy. And I will try my hardest to get there.

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