I Am Not Destined To Live Forever

Director Commentary

*This post is not ideal for optimists

My 22nd birthday was yesterday (or 2 hours ago if you want to get technical) and all I feel is melancholy. I know that 22 is still super young and I have my whole life ahead of me but I think this is the first birthday where I feel depressed that I’ve aged so much. I went out with my friends on Saturday night and found myself hating it when they would yell happy birthday for the world to hear. I didn’t want the attention and I didn’t want to celebrate my aging. Tonight, when my family friends were singing “Happy Birthday” with the cake in front of me I couldn’t wait for the moment to end. I don’t care to ‘like’ or ‘comment’ on any Facebook posts left on my wall – I might even hide my birthday next year so I don’t get the useless best wishes. I just don’t want to age and I don’t want the attention of aging.

Perhaps, it’s the concept of the ‘birthday’ that’s bothering me so much. Congratulate me for my work or for my academic or professional achievements. Praise me on the way I did my makeup or the outfit I chose to wear that day. But saying “happy birthday” is basically congratulating somebody for doing something completely out of his or her control. I do not decide when I grow older so stop celebrating me for it.

I don’t think I want to celebrate my birthday at all next year. I suppose that’s sad, right? Not wanting to celebrate your birthday anymore because your age makes you miserable. I guess that’s a joy you lose when you grow older, or at least I have. And that makes me sad.

Growing up bums me out and I know I won’t be able to handle it for a long time. Somewhere, deep in my heart, I know that I’m not meant to live a long life. No, I don’t think I’ll die tomorrow (though that’s always possible) but I don’t see myself hitting 55 or anything like that.

So if somebody I know is reading this, years from now – or maybe even sooner, know this: I’m going to die young so don’t be sad for me. It’s something I’ve foreseen, like a premonition in my gut, and something I’ve accepted very openly. No, I’m not suicidal. But I have this feeling that my life will unravel in a way where it will take me away young – and I want it.

Sorry for this miserable post, occasionally this darkness consumes me and I need to let it out.


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